The Courage of Marshall

I’m supposed to be in bed right now. But there is nothing like a sports movie to rev me up and keep me awake! It doesn’t help that I have cried, then laughed, cried again, jumped up and down screaming and laughed some more. (Let’s just say I like to participate). If you know me at all, you know I LOVE true stories (can you tell?!).

We Are Marshall is the story of healing after the loss of Marshall University’s entire football team after a devastating plane crash in 1970. Over and over, one theme stood out to me: the process of healing can be painful in of itself and it takes great courage to face the pain in hope of finding peace and the strength to move forward.

The picture the movie paints of the tragic loss of 75 team and family members of a West Virginia community is heart wrenching (I sobbed for the first 15 minutes). Although they were actors, they represented real parents, real friends, real brothers and wives who lost everything just one mile from the safety of home. The magnitude of such loss can only be described as a spirit-numbing devastation in which an entire community painfully mourned. Football is the LAST thing anyone wants to hear about. Makes sense considering it only reminded them of what they lost.

But Nate Ruffin, one of four team members not on the plane, is driven to rally a football team back together. And it is his leadership efforts that rally an entire community to support the rebuilding efforts of Marshall University football.  At first, I was awed by Nate’s insight and courage to play football again. Then I realized that, for Nate and many others in his community, he was still trying avoid the heart of the matter and get away from dealing with the grief. Unlike the others, his method was to DO something and dive into trying to recreate what he thought he’d lost. It wasn’t until 3/4 through the movie (probably the equivalent of a year and a half later), that Nate broke down and allowed himself to face the painful question, “Why? Why did this happen?”

His coach gave him an honest answer, “I don’t know.” And Nate finally had to face the pain and started weeping. Shortly thereafter, he found relief and sighs with peace.

What caught me by surprise was the revelation that it took MORE COURAGE for the man to allow himself to ask the question why and face the doubt, the fear, the pain and the grief head on when there was no possible answer in sight. Deep down, he had to know he wasn’t going to find an answer he was satisfied with. But in order to heal a gashing hole in your heart, you must first look at the wound. And yes. That is a painful process. And yes…it takes courage to look at it.

I don’t know about you but I have been there. More often than I’d like to admit, I ask God why. Several times I have been in deep pain, grief, and a depth of loneliness that threatens to choke the air out of me: It’s all I can do to cry out, “WHY?!” I know I won’t get an answer in that moment. We may never know. And I wonder, would the “why” really help anyway?? If you had the answer, would it really help you move forward?

We have two choices: be unsatisfied until we find out why and risk withering away into ourselves with grief OR be satisfied that we may never know why and move forward in hope of finding peace and joy once again.

So if we muster up the courage to choose option B and move forward, how do we rise from the ashes? How do we begin again from such a broken place? It is with great insight that Coach Jack say, “It doesn’t matter whether we win or loose. What matters is that we play the game.”

He wasn’t just talking about football; he was talking about life. He was talking about getting up after we have been beaten down. He was talking about standing after we fall, about trust and healing. He had insight I’m not even sure he was fully aware of: insight only God understands and we so often miss:

It’s not about waiting for the pain to pass and THEN moving forward: moving forward in spite of the pain IS the healing process! It’s the JOURNEY, not the destination that matters most. And it’s in the process of walking that journey you rediscover the joy and adventure of living LIFE!

Do you have the courage to dare look up from the ashes of your pain? Do you have the courage to rise and walk to find healing? Whatever you grieving and painful situation, I pray you do. I pray God and His community of believers sends you a helping hand to encourage you to get back in the game.

When You Can’t Find words, Use His

For those of you who feel inarticulate and silly when you speak: this is for you.
For those of you, (like me), who often feel confident in your well thought-out and articulate words, this is for you and me!

Everyone has talents and gifting unique to them. Until recently, I was convinced I have been blessed with the gift of “gab.” My mother tells me that before the age of two, I had a usual interest in “words” and how to use them and I was speaking very clearly at a shockingly young age.  This “gift” carried me through school, my career and most of my life. My ability to communicate is noticed, noted, praised and sought after. In fact, one of the most common statements made to me is, “I wish I could speak as well as you do.”

(Boy oh boy! Is that a recipe for a big head or what?!)

Lately, I have been stuttering, repeating myself or at a loss for words. I have noticed my mind has a “glitch” in it and my “articulate” words seem less and less frequent. This is pretty scary for someone who has made a life and a career on her ability to communicate! It is also painfully revealing.

Whether you realize its happening or not, pride in your natural gifts and talents can swell up in your heart until one day you realize that you believe you have all the answers and your way of communicating is the “best” way to communicate. I giggle awkwardly and nervously as I write this because I want to hang my head in shame. Who am I to take credit? Who am I to take any gift for granted? 

My instinct is to FIX it myself! So I made a game plan to read more, slow down when I speak, go back to Toastmasters, read the dictionary and see the neurologist! But the more I try, the more silly I feel when I speak. I find myself worrying about what to say, how to say it and fretting that I’ll screw it up. So, I have a new plan: do not speak at all.

Have you ever felt that way? Are there any out there who would describe themselves as inarticulate? You never know what to say or how to say it? Are you convinced that as soon as it leaves your mouth, it’s all wrong?  Well, the great thing about NOT talking is that you end up doing a lot more listening and observing. Last week, I was observing a friend of mine who is almost always quite. Brittany doesn’t say much but when she does finally speaks up, she talks about verses and gives you specific verses of encouragement. Almost every day, Brittany texts me with verses about God’s promises and EVERY time it has a profound affect on me.

Just today, Brittany was sharing how God speaks to her through the use of verses and when she prays for people, she sees verses over them. When she doesn’t know what to pray, she prays God’s word over them. Little did she realize what was now so glaring to me: “Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.” Mark 13:1

My friend Brittany says more with less by using Gods words, and not her own.

It is the words of God (NOT mine, not yours) that have eternal life, bring forth profound revelation, stir hearts and bring transformation.

John 5: 24 says, “Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that hears my words and believes him that sent me, has eternal life, and comes not into judgment, but has passed out of death into life. 25 Verily, verily, I say unto you, the hour comes, and now is, when the dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God; and they that hear shall live.”

All things said or done of our OWN accord will pass away but God’s words bring us abundant life and awaken our souls! Brittany emptied herself of any pride or self assurance in what she had to offer in such a way so God could use her. And when she speaks just one verse to someone who needs to hear it, she does MORE for the kingdom of God than a pastor’s entire well-thought-out-crafted-and-beautifully-articulated speech!

I find myself wishing to be more like Brittany: completely dependant on God’s words to get me through and not my own. So as we prayed together for God to empty us of US, I giggled gratefully. God gives and God takes away, I thought. And who am I that He would take the time to teach me so tenderly that His way is ALWAYS the best way.

Dear Jesus

I’m starting now because I can’t stand it any longer, Jesus.
By your Word, you say if I turn from evil, you will heal me! I need that healing, Lord.
I’m not sure what evil is in your eyes…but I’m pretty sure it feels like I’ve been feeling: void of your presence, independent without You.
And I can’t take it any longer.
I know this isn’t the personal, face to face time you deserve…but it’s in my heart. I’m at work and can’t step away with any sustained focus on you…but I know I won’t make it through this day without you.

You said on our trip to the river to let you romance me…but I haven’t even turned my head to let you do so.
I am guilty for talking about you and not to you.
I realize I think I’ve always thought I wouldn’t do what the Israelites did…but I’m wrong. I’m just like them. And I too would have ended up in the desert.
I’m guilty for playing church and going through the motions without asking for the life-giving passion of Christ to fill me directly from the One I know can give it.
I’m guilty of not waking up with “I Love you” on my lips.
I’m guilty of focusing on my disgust and problems rather than on your love.
I’m guilty of hearing your voice and not responding.
I’m guilty of hating myself. I feel so ugly inside and out….so fat and full of crap. Surely, this isn’t how I was meant to be….how I was meant to live? It’s torment.
I’m guilty of indulging in place of hungering after you…and for one who never sinned, do you know the shame I feel?
Yes, of course you do. You carried it in all it’s heaviness on the cross…even thou ugliness never came from your mouth or your hand.
Who am I, Lord to think that such an awesome God wouldn’t know?
But I can honestly say to you that it feels like you don’t know how shameful it is because I feel so far away from a perfect and holy God. IT seems it takes but a moment to find separation.
Me no likey.
I am weak, Lord. Weakened and un-driven to do what I need to do. I seem to lack the ability to change my thoughts…my actions…my life. I’m stuck. I’m weak. I can’t save myself. I have made it worse in trying to do so.

Jesus…I have tasted what it is like to wake up to you. I have tasted what it’s like to hear your voice and be in your arms.
I have lived in the love of God and operated by the love of God. And it’s so awesome!
I can’t imagine how I got HERE! Or how I ever managed or will ever manage to live without You! I DON’T want to live any longer without it!
I know this is a one-sided relationship sometimes….most of the time, actually.
As I type it…it sounds pretty horrific. How can I not live passionately for the One who gave me everything?! EVERYTHING!??

I can feel it…deep within…I was meant to be with you. It’s an imperfect romance…mainly on my part…but I need you

So here it is…here I am. In all my ugly emptiness, pleading, Lord Jesus…for more of you. Pleading for you to speak to me once again. Tell me what I have to do! I’m turning from my lonely sulking to you…in hopes that you will save me once again, from myself. I simply can’t stand to be without you. Will you forgive me? There was mercy for Israel…will there by mercy for me? Will you come in all your love and glory once again?.
Seize my heart, Jesus…that I may never turn away.

Psalms 119: 37 Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, And revive me in Your ways. 38 Establish Your word to Your servant, Who is devoted to fearing You.
39 Turn away my reproach which I dread, For Your judgments are good.
40 Behold, I long for Your precepts; Revive me in Your righteousness.

Revive me, Jesus. Revive me.

Yours Eternally,
Angela

Project "Build-A-Fort"

Get ready to discover God's Kingdom as He intended.

More to come on "Project Build-A-Fort."

Why Can't I hear God?

I have many people ask me, “How come God doesn’t talk to me? How come I can’t hear him?”

I answer with a question, “Well, have you asked God himself?”  My response is so simple, they sometimes get offended, mistaking simplicity for sarcasm. But I'm very serious: Do you actually stop, get still, get quiet and ask God? More often than not, many answer, “No.”

Are we so busy we deceive ourselves into believing we talk to God when we are only talking about God???

The difference is that talking to God is a conversation and if we want an answer, we have to willing to sit through the silence long enough to wait for one.  We have to listen and not talk.  We need to seek his response with our ears, not our mouth.

If you are anything like me, that is a trying experience and usually very frustrating. How do I listen for a voice I can’t hear? How do I spend time with someone I can’t see, hear, touch, or feel? And if I can’t see him or at least hear him, he must not be around.  ….or is He?

If you believe the Bible is true and that it is the word of God, then you believe “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:8). He’s everywhere, is He not? He’s omnipresent! So why do we often feel unanswered and alone, choosing to talk to our tangible friends (who can hug us and comfort us) rather than God himself?

First, we must realize we are used to using our physical senses (sight, sound, touch, smell) and not our spirits. We are weak to sense God’s presence in the flesh. Second, the scripture says God hides himself (Isaiah 45:15). But why hide himself from us? Doesn’t he love us?

I do not have the whole answer because only God himself has the right to explain why he does what he does. But I believe our understanding begins in Deuteronomy 4:29, “If you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.” And Psalm 14:2, “The LORD looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God.”

And Hebrews 11:6, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who EARNESTLY seek him.”

Have you every misplaced something? Your cars keys? Your mobile phone? Your wallet or ATM card? How earnestly do you look for those missing items? What is your desperation level to find your car keys when you are already late? Is leaving them “unfound” an option?

Most likely not! We can’t drive without our keys and we can’t function without our phones. So why do we think we can find answers without asking the Creator himself? Why are we ok with leaving God unfound?

God…being wise…will let us wonder aimlessly until we realize we are lost without him. And he will remain quiet until we truly seek him. Before you allow your feelings to be hurt, ask yourself if you have you ever been in a relationship with someone who didn’t reciprocate. Maybe they didn’t seem to want to hang out with you as much as you did them. Or have you ever had one of those so-called friends who you always had to call but they never called you? It didn’t feel good, did it?

If we, who were created in God’s likeness, feel the sting of being unwanted, wouldn’t God feel that sting too? Wouldn’t it hurt his heart when he knows we need him but chose to go it on our own?

So God, in all his wisdom, hides himself so we must seek him to find...earnestly. And he promises that when we seek, we shall find (1 Chronicles 15:15). He is never really gone and never far away. For God is a God of love and He desires to have a covenant with you…a living relationship. A REAL living, breathing, feeling, hearing, speaking, loving relationship. If Moses and Abraham can walk WITH God, so can we! But we must seek…earnestly until we find him, showing him we need him…we want him and we simply can’t live without him.

Ask over and over. Push. Wait in silence until he answers. Seek him, with all your heart and he promises he will show himself to you (John 14:21). “I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me” (Prov 8:17).

Searching for Love...in the right places?

Food and Water is necessary for the survival of our bodies.
God’s love is necessary for the survival of our souls.
But even if we have bread and water to sustain our lives, it seems we will eventually crumble under the pressure of living in a broken world if we do not live, breathe, believe and trust is the love of God.

Many of our relationships in this life may become unfulfilling if we never fully learn to trust/believe in God’s love for us. Or, if we rely too heavily on love found in relationships, when they end or someone passes, we ourselves are left void, questioning our purpose in life.  Many of us will search our entire lives to find love. We look for it in our family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends…searching to fill that “something” in our hearts. God wants to be that “something.” In fact, He wants to be the ONLY something.

When we finally believe and abide in God’s love, new life springs into our souls, our lives, our relationships and our destiny. Purpose has been found. Eternity becomes a blessed assurance.

Could it be as simple as spending time in the presence of God? Could it be as simple as seeking His arms as often as we can and from that Source everything flows?? John 4:10 promises, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water.” It’s by no accident Jesus uses water to describe himself or His spirit: water is the source of life’s abundance. It’s the “gift” of God’s love from which ALL good things flow.

Cynthia Herald writes, “The very best thing I can do for myself is to seek to grasp the depth of God’s love for me. If I am secure in God’s devotion, then I am free to love others without depending on them to meet my need for love. Only God’s love is everlasting, unreserved and complete. His love forgives, molds, disciples and equips me to live. There is no equal or substitute for God’s love.”

I remember a time when the thing I wanted most in the world was to find a man who was brave enough to ask me to marry him, not afraid of a woman who wanted to make a difference in the world and someone strong enough to stand in the fire of trails with me. Oh AND I wanted a man “crazy” about me! These were very high expectations. So I was in a constant state of turmoil questioning how in the world this man existed…and if he did, would he find me and keep his end of the covenant? Sometimes, it felt hopeless.

Then God gave me a revelation…much like the one Cynthia wrote above: “If I am SECURE in God’s devotion [to me], then I am free to love others without DEPENDING on them to meet MY NEED for LOVE.”
First, I had to ask myself if I was depending on the idea of a husband to fulfill my need for love and validation and purpose.
The answer was yes. I would find validation in knowing that he needed me as much as I needed him. But this plan was destined to fail!  We are all human and at some point, “Mr. Right” would not meet my needs to be loved and validated.  And if he thought I was "Mrs. Right"...at some point, I would fail him.

There is only one person who can meet that need: the person of God. God showed me that if I had a genuine loving relationship with Him, then not only would God meet my deepest desire to be loved, but it would take the pressure from having to expect so much of someone else. I could take “Mr. Right” off the pedestal which gives us a chance at a workable, real and fulfilling relationship

Let’s learn how to focus on learning and believing and basking in God’s love…and all other things will flow from it.

Exploring what God thinking about Safety...Part 2

My dream bike is a 2008 Harley Davidson Sportster 1200 Nightser with a custom pink/black paint job. It fits me perfectly. In all my excitement, I talked about buying a motorcycle for a week. To my surprise, almost everybody I mentioned it too frowned at me and said, “Do you know how dangerous that is?” My mother actually yelled at me for even THINKING about buying a bike. I believe the term she used was “death on wheels!” But as it turns out, chances of me dying on a motorcycle are less likely than something like a brain aneurism or a heart attack. Tonight’s life event reminded me, this life isn’t guaranteed. In the blink of an eye, it could all be gone.

Psalm 4:8
I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makes me dwell in safety.

Proverbs 30:5
every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.

Tonight, I got a phone call that shook me to the core: a friend had a brain clot the size of an orange. A young 27 yr old mother of two, she was at home with the kids when she started to feel funny and her husband called 911, “just in case.” Always healthy and in shape, no one could foresee what was really happening. In moments, she was in the hospital for immediate brain surgery: her life hanging on by a thread. I think what shook me was that she was my age…a couple years younger, infact.

How come no one warns us about brain clots? So, if at any moment, life could change, why are we living it as if it weren’t? Why are we playing it “safe” when safety is but an illusion?

Or is it????

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me. –Psalm 138:7

True safety isn’t an illusion. There is always a refuge to be found in God. There is always a shield He can provide. His word and His Arms are our haven. And when it comes to life, the only REAL safe place is in the will of God.

Anything in this life can happen to us, even hurt us. To walk out the door is risky. To walk across the street could mean death. Each morning we wake up, we face uncertainty and risk. I, personally, cannot imagine living my life with uncertainty. It would be draining and unbearable. I need something certain, something steady, something unchangeable so that I can get out of bed in the morning. And that something is someone: God.

Unfortunately, many see believing in God as weak. I’ve heard someone teach that faith is spelled R. I. S. K. I have to agree. Believing in something unseen is risky. Acting on something impossible seems reckless. Stepping out of your safety zone into unknown territory is scary. But in God’s plan, faith is vital to survival and key to our relationship with Him. In God’s plan, taking a risk on His behalf isn’t risk at all. In fact, risk is an illusion in the minds of His slightly-fearful children.

Tonight’s scare has me convinced more than ever that the greatest risk we will ever take is not believing in God’s love and the message of His son Jesus. In the end, we leave the world with nothing but our spirit, just as we came in. So why waste any more time in the “safety” zone of life when faith should drive us to step out of our comfort zone and dare to make a difference?
Dare to live with purpose…
Dare to believe…
Dare to trust in the word and promise of the living God.