Merry Christmas OR Ba humbug!??

In 2005, I became aware, as if for the first time, that Christmas can be lonely, grievous, stressful and meaningless for many. Instead of allowing it to bring joy, it feels like a month-long task list with impossible expectations.

Two simultaneous events lead me to a Christmas strike. Event one was loss. When my family refused to reconcile in the face of this loss, I cried and then I hardened my heart. The second event robbed me of the joy of giving. Someone told someone who told me that my heartfelt gifts were not well received. They had a lot of negative things to say about gifts they didn’t want. I became angry, threw my hands up in the air and exclaimed, “Then what’s the freakin’ point?!”

I know…I know. I said, “freakin’”
But even worse, I became bitter and lost my Christmas Spirit. What was once a celebration filled with festivities, anticipation and laughter was reduced to dread. No decorating. No Christmas cards. Why even celebrate this silliness? Christ wasn’t even born on December 25th! I wrapped my presents with torn wrapping paper. Who cares…they are just going to rip it open, right? Go Christmas light gazing? No thanks. Its just a waste of natural resources. Christmas music? Turn it OFF.

So much for a holly jolly Christmas. Ba HUMBUG!

I complained about the overindulged holiday and how America lost the meaning of Christmas. But really, I just used the excuse as a mask to hide my wounding.

This year, my eyes are open and I grieve the lost of those 5 months. I grieve the loss of the opportunity for me to be an Ambassador for Christ during a time when we should stop to remember what matters most.

What changed this year? First, a friend called me on my “Scrooge” attitude. I defended it of course. Then I let her suggestions sink in and decided to do something for someone else with no expectations in return. So I surprised my coworkers by getting to work early and decorating the office in full Christmas attire.

At first, I wasn’t feeling anything. I grumbled a little bit at the garland. But as I hung snowflakes in a hurry before their early morning arrival, I rediscovered the excitement of anticipating other’s joy. O…there was a couple moments of doubt: what if they don’t like the colors? What if they don’t think it’s a big deal? What if…what if?

But in the end, it wasn’t between me and them: it was between me and God. It was about the condition of MY heart.

Then it snowballed. I forced myself to sing Christmas carols. Next thing you know, I was baking, decorating, signing Christmas cards and wrapping presents with love. Each act represented what Christ would do for me….regardless of whether or not I deserved it. And I wanted to do the same for others.

It’s kind of exciting: remembering what Christmas is all about. I feel the anticipation I used to but with a little more “seasoning.” I learned that Christmas isn’t about what’s going on around you but inside you. And we have a CHOICE in the attitude and condition of our heart. For me, this year is about the message of Christ and I have a role to play in sharing it. I plan to continue sharing my re-discoveries here on the blog. Stay tuned! In the meantime I chose to have a merry Christmas!

Good Tidings and Blessings to You,
Angela

Making Promises to Self

Do you know a person that says they are going to do something and they never do? After awhile, you question their committments with, "yeah right" or "I won't hold my breath."  A friend of mine actually started asking his friend for deposits! He said that if he showed up, GREAT! They would spend the money on their time together as planned. But if he didn't show, he would be reimbursed for his time and effort to meet a "no show."

It gets under our skin when words don't line up with actions. We preach the scripture, "Let your yes be yes and your no be no" (Mat 5:37) and drill the importance of keeping your word. But how often do we teach to keep promises to ourselves?

This is a fairly new revelation for me. I was (and still can be) so focused on keeping my promises to others that I often neglect promises to myself. Those people that said "no" to others, I labeled as SELFISH.  For example, I used to give my father a hard time.  He is great at keeping promises to himself.  If he said, “No” to one of our last-minute invitations, I would get frustrated and see him as neglecting us.  Now I realize how important that quality is to someone with an entrepreneurial mindset (you can't build a business on broken promises to yourself).  For all of us,  it is a quality and skill that is to be respected.

On the flip side, I never stuck to anything I set out to do for myself. I was good at killing myself to meet the expectations of others. If I told myself I was going to work out, have quite time or focus on my writing, I would often "skip it" at the last minute. At worst, I thought I was only perpetuating a character of procrastination (which, I could stop at ANY moment…of course). But little did I realize it goes deeper: I was building up a lie I believed in myself that I didn’t matter enough to keep my word...to myself. The lie of unworthiness and helplessness sets in unconsciously and before you know it, you believe “I can’t” change who I AM and the effort to do so is wasted on someone LIKE me.

God values you so much that He keeps every promise He makes. Why would we treat ourselves worse than God and diminish the beloved one He values so much that He sent His own Son to fulfill the greatest promise of all? Psalms 105:8

All this to say, keeping promises to yourself is just as important as keeping promises to others. If you don’t, you send the message that you don’t matter. Repent from the lie that you don’t matter.  Believe instead that you are the worthy son or daughter of God because He has said so. If you are WORTHY of God’s attention, you are worthy of YOUR OWN.

Aloha Papa Cal

On October 29, 2010, Calvin Spicer, a.k.a Papa Cal, passed on. A week later, I traveled almost 1000 miles in 48 hours in order to say a sad goodbye. At noon on November 5th, I sat in the second row of a funeral home, staring teary-eyed at a coffin in front of a heavenly backdrop, questioning God about the grim finality of life.

Papa Cal was family but I probably knew him the least out of everyone in the room. I met him when I was 17 and when I was 18, I went away to college minimizing our time to get to know one another. In October 2001, I “officially” inherited him and Grandma Marie as family when my dad remarried. Shortly thereafter, Papa and Marie moved north to retire. Life went on until one day, it stopped.

I didn’t even know the depth of my own grief until I heard the words spoken about Calvin’s life from my family. Fourteen year old Shanya spoke of his kind spirit and lifelong friend Gene, spoke of his love for the Lord. Cousin Linda spoke of his brotherly adoption of anybody and everybody and my dad spoke of his keen gift of forgiveness. It was then all kinds of emotions hit me: pain, grief, peace, fear, laughter, wonder, regret, doubt and peace. (Yes…they can all happen at once). My mind and spirit felt so overwhelmed I thought I would burst into loud convulsions.

“Why?!” I asked. Then I realized I was grieving the loss of missed opportunity. My relationship with Papa was blessed but minimal which meant I had missed an opportunity to know Cal deeply: to know his kindness, humor and love in my OWN memory and not just the memories of others. I was overtaken with the sadness of regret.

Then my dad read a tribute from my cousin Andi in Hawaii, which opened with, “Aloha means both hello and goodbye” and ended saying, “If we all can say one final ‘ALOHA’ it would mean so much to us in Hawaii, who unfortunately can't be there...so say it loud and clear... ALOHA.”
As the entire room spoke “Aloha” in unison, peace flooded me and my spirit understood what I can finally articulate today:

Yes, Papa Cal, our “hello” was brief and our “goodbye” came too soon. But we share a common spirit: we have the same God, who WAS and IS and SHALL BE, evermore. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is the BEGINNING and the END. God is Love and love is ETERNAL and NEVER ENDING. We said “Hello.” I said “Goodbye”. But we will say “Hello” again.

I saw the evidence of God’s purpose on his life through the message of love and adoption others spoke of. I realized his legacy was FAR reaching to me and many, many others, even those who had NEVER met him. You see, even though my time with him was limited, Papa Cal’s legacy of love blesses me daily through my dad, my brother, my step mom, my cousins, my aunts and uncles who carry it to everyone they meet. They carry on his message in their character…the very character God molded in him.

I came that Friday in a spirit of regret, fearing a lesson in the grim finality of life. After experiencing how we carry-on in and through others, I left blessed and hopeful that we have an opportunity to touch eternity and the very heart of God by loving others like Jesus loved us…just like my Papa Cal.

This is the powerful mystery of God: Love never fails. Love never ends.

Aloha Oe, Papa Cal.
“Until we meet again…”

Love Angie

Bless the Medlock Family while Wearing Purple...

I attend and serve with a great group of people at Pure, a ministry from Water of Life church.  And at Pure, we aspire to be a close family, which means getting to know one another and being there for each other.

I have had the opportunity to get to know a handful of men and women that have absolutely enriched and blessed my life.  But today I finally realized that I have been blessed by and influenced by a larger circle of people that I have yet to even meet!

Let me explain.

I have only met Linda Medlock briefly BUT I have been influenced and touched by her all year long. How is that possible? She has passed on a legacy of kindness, loyalty, love, and joy into her son and niece who have carried it to me and the rest of my small group on many occasions. Linda has been there for me through her niece Jennifer and she has been there for many others through her son, Jonathan.

THIS is family.

And now has come a time to return the blessings by honoring and supporting our family members. Linda, mother to Jonathan and aunt to Jennifer (and thereby an extension of OUR Pure family), has been diagnosed with advanced stages of pancreatic cancer.  Doctors have painted a very grim outlook.

Linda and her family need our encouragement, hugs and prayers. And to honor the family, we are asking everyone to wear Purple Wednesday, October 27th as a sign of our support for the family and our HOPE for the survival of pancreatic cancer patients.

To Linda, Jennifer, Jonathan and the Medlock family, we bless you and are praying for you.

2 Corinthians 1:3 - Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

What About Those Stones?

How is it that such a short sentence speaks a lifetime of lessons to me all at once? Maybe because I find myself in a place where I'm holding a stone in my hand and have to decide what to do with it.

“We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them.” -Warren Withlock Tweet

It would feel soooooo good to throw it. The outburst of energy would be a great stress relief and although my aim is horrible, I would be excited (at least for a moment) if I hit my target. It would feel goooooooood.
Hmmm...then again, remorse might set in.  And my parents did teach me about the Golden Rule.


Do I complain about the stone? The new hardship? The obstacle?
"Why can't my path be smooth God?!"
Hmmm...then the ulcer would set in.


And if I'm not careful, I could easily stumble over one. Every done that? It is FUNNY as all get-out to watch someone trip on a rock when they were looking elsewhere. Most catch themselves, turnaround and cuss out the rock. (I'm laughing just visualizing it). I know. I need to work on my compassion. 
Hmmm...but it's not so funny when it's me. With a big enough rock or even the smallest pebble, I could really get hurt: bust a knee, break a hip, hit my head.


Climb over them! Now there is a WISE concept! Go around it. Go over it. The point is...you are moving forward PAST it.  In my personal life's experience,  if I can find the clarity, presence and strength of mind to not be threatened by the stones in my life and move past them, I am the closet I've ever been to achieving my destiny.  If there were 5 stages to achieve in life, this would be stage 5! Right?


Build with them.
[Enter in mind-blowing paradigm shift and revelation.] 
I had never even THOUGHT of such a thing!
I have this visual of a field LITTERED with rocks. Even if we manage to climb over them, we may still run the risk of being exhausted by working so hard to maneuver such obstacles.  We could still get hurt.  
But gather them and BUILD a path? A shelter? Or even a monument?  Have you ever thought about not just "making it through" (aka surviving) but leaving the place better than when you found it?  Isn't that the very definition of making a difference with your life?
Oh...but here is how it gets even BETTER:  In so doing, YOU leave better also.


Lets stop for a minute and see the obstacles in our lives and ask, "How can I build this into being a part of who I am and use it to build a monument to God using the impossible in my life?"
Translated? "I can't seem to control what I'm going through right now  but I can chose to thank God for these building stones and see them as steps to my destiny: to God molding me into the PERSON He has called me to be."
 1:2-4 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
James

Farewell to Faith?

Do you know Charles Templeton? What about Billy Graham? Of course you know Billy! But did you know that once upon a time, next to Charles, Billy Graham was an afterthought? Charles was the headliner and Billy was the "also-appearing" in smaller font. This is hard to imagine given Billy Graham's international status. So why have we not heard of Charles Templeton?

In the movie, The Case for Faith, Lee Strobel had an opportunity to interview Charles Templeton about his sudden rejection and departure from the Christian faith. As I listened to Charles ask Lee, "If He was a loving God, then why allow such pain and suffering in the world?" I felt a connection to Mr. Templeton that disturbed me. Am I blasphemer for daring to relate to a man who rejected God and Jesus? I don't think so and I dare believe that every Christian who hears it will also feel the stab of familiarity. In the dark moments of night and the deep places in our hearts, we have all known a "Charles Templeton": also known as doubt.

Doubt: The opposite of faith.
Faith believes in the unseen. Doubt does not believe until you see.
Faith, some define, as a knowing and expectation for change even when there is no possible WAY for it to happen. Faith is carrying your umbrella into a 7 year draught prediction. Faith is willing to risk being wrong because you know you have to be right. Faith says there is no other option but to believe beyond all understanding.
Doubt says you cannot trust anything but what you can see, hears, touch, taste and figure out in your own understanding and logic.
This is why doubt is so familiar to us all. It's easier to trust in that which I can see, feel and understand. It's easier to believe things will be okay when there is a plan you have crafted, a bank account saved up and a roof over your head..

On the surface, doubt promises to keep us safe. Doubt says it’s safer to stay home and unsafe to talk to strangers. Otherwise, you may get bombed, attacked, ran over, shot at, or mugged. But the truth is, doubt only keeps us safe behind the bars of fear. Doubt is the sheriff in the prison of inner hell, masquerading as paradise.

Charles Templeton understood this well. He often felt like he was on the brink of losing his mind. In the end, Charles chose to listen to the doubts that sided with reason and logic. Faith was too risky. But I wonder, if doubt was so safe, why did the man wrestle and obsess with it even unto his death?!

In his dad's eulogy his son Brad Templeton said, "Even though he had given up the faith, religion remained his obsession for the rest of his life, as can be seen in his novels and even in 'Farewell to God.' To his dying day, he expressed his admiration for Jesus the philosopher, whom he regularly declared to be, though not god, the greatest man who ever lived."

Now...wait. Before you let your mind judge Charles as quickly as mine did, I ask you to consider the tone of Charles' departure from the Christian faith. For an agonistic, why chose the words "Farewell to God"? Why "farewell" and not "so-long"? Why bother with a departing gesture at all? If he was so convinced against God, why did he walk away but always look back? This leads me to believe that this was not an angry or vindictive or evil man. Oh no. This was a broken hearted man in search of something he couldn't see and never dared to keep looking for.

And doesn't THAT sound familiar? HOW to trust in a God unseen? A God who says to seek Him and yet I cannot see him, touch him or audibly hear him? HOW to believe in miracles not yet performed? How to trust that God is good in spite of the pain and suffering I see? To believe...that even if I'm in pain, God loves me?

Mr. Templeton let doubt choke out his hope of ever finding a redemptive and PEACEFUL truth. He let fear stop him from looking. Doubt whispers that we will have peace if we chose safety when in fact; doubt is the opposite of peace. Doubt is mental torment. Is it no wonder that God continually beseeches us to cast doubt away?!  His son Brad also noted, "At the end of the book, he [Charles] wrote that he sometimes felt that his whole life had been an attempt to impress his aloof and never-present father. He considered titling the memoir [Farwell to God], Hey Dad, look at me!"

Ahhh. The pieces fall into place, do they not?
I think we know Charles Templeton better than we thought. I too, search for the love of God as an ever-present Father. But what breaks my heart is that for most of his life, Charles never found what he was looking for. Not because he didn't want to...but because he listened to the "what-ifs." Maybe...he never even really looked in the first place. Maybe he was only a moment away from breakthrough and gave up when peace was just within reach.

 

I can't help but picture the young Billy Graham, standing nervously in the shadow of his friend Charles Templeton, wondering if he'll ever be as great a man of God as he. I am 100% sure that Billy asked the same questions of God because Charles, Billy, you and I, ALL know the familiar voice of doubt. And yet little did Billy realize until much later that God needed more than talent, skill, intelligence and all that we have to offer: God needed his faith in Him.

Do you now recognize something familiar in both Charles and Billy? There are moments when I wonder, can I do this? Can this be true? How? Why? What if I go forward for prayer and don't get healed? Then my fears will be confirmed and God must surely not love me enough! Therefore, it must be safer to stay. To never go. To never try....right???

But then there are moments when I know no other option will do. I must trust and I will trust that my God is the one and Only and that He is Good and that He loves me! I must! Not because anybody said so...but because deep down, my spirit and my soul know that without that trust...without Him, I will perish in torment from the inside out! I must keep searching for there is One I long to know more! And when I find ... a tiny shaving...barely a FLAKE of GOLD, it will be just enough of a taste to fuel my hunger for more. So I will keep looking and digging for more: more peace. More of HIM.

Yes! The story of Charles Templeton could breed sadness. For some wavering, it could dare to try and confirm your doubts. But it could also birth Faith. It's all the more reason to learn from him and keep SEARCHING if you have not yet found what you are looking for! And as you search, please join me in addressing that familiar voice of doubt, which comes with F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real):

"Wiley, lying Doubt, who comes pretending in order to steal and imprison God's family; We have found you out. We recognize you for who you are. I confess before my God that at times, I have believed your lies. I confess and I repent before my God. Doubt, I send you away. I don't need you anymore. Go and send no others. For I turn my ear away from your seemingly sweet, safe-talking chatter and choose to listen to the voice of faith. As risky as faith may seem to be, even as silly as she may sound at times, I will chose to trust in the One who promises that all things work out for GOOD for those that love Him! I choose to believe that when I seek, I WILL find. And as I seek, I am assured by faith that the safest place in the world is in the will of God."

The Courage of Marshall

I’m supposed to be in bed right now. But there is nothing like a sports movie to rev me up and keep me awake! It doesn’t help that I have cried, then laughed, cried again, jumped up and down screaming and laughed some more. (Let’s just say I like to participate). If you know me at all, you know I LOVE true stories (can you tell?!).

We Are Marshall is the story of healing after the loss of Marshall University’s entire football team after a devastating plane crash in 1970. Over and over, one theme stood out to me: the process of healing can be painful in of itself and it takes great courage to face the pain in hope of finding peace and the strength to move forward.

The picture the movie paints of the tragic loss of 75 team and family members of a West Virginia community is heart wrenching (I sobbed for the first 15 minutes). Although they were actors, they represented real parents, real friends, real brothers and wives who lost everything just one mile from the safety of home. The magnitude of such loss can only be described as a spirit-numbing devastation in which an entire community painfully mourned. Football is the LAST thing anyone wants to hear about. Makes sense considering it only reminded them of what they lost.

But Nate Ruffin, one of four team members not on the plane, is driven to rally a football team back together. And it is his leadership efforts that rally an entire community to support the rebuilding efforts of Marshall University football.  At first, I was awed by Nate’s insight and courage to play football again. Then I realized that, for Nate and many others in his community, he was still trying avoid the heart of the matter and get away from dealing with the grief. Unlike the others, his method was to DO something and dive into trying to recreate what he thought he’d lost. It wasn’t until 3/4 through the movie (probably the equivalent of a year and a half later), that Nate broke down and allowed himself to face the painful question, “Why? Why did this happen?”

His coach gave him an honest answer, “I don’t know.” And Nate finally had to face the pain and started weeping. Shortly thereafter, he found relief and sighs with peace.

What caught me by surprise was the revelation that it took MORE COURAGE for the man to allow himself to ask the question why and face the doubt, the fear, the pain and the grief head on when there was no possible answer in sight. Deep down, he had to know he wasn’t going to find an answer he was satisfied with. But in order to heal a gashing hole in your heart, you must first look at the wound. And yes. That is a painful process. And yes…it takes courage to look at it.

I don’t know about you but I have been there. More often than I’d like to admit, I ask God why. Several times I have been in deep pain, grief, and a depth of loneliness that threatens to choke the air out of me: It’s all I can do to cry out, “WHY?!” I know I won’t get an answer in that moment. We may never know. And I wonder, would the “why” really help anyway?? If you had the answer, would it really help you move forward?

We have two choices: be unsatisfied until we find out why and risk withering away into ourselves with grief OR be satisfied that we may never know why and move forward in hope of finding peace and joy once again.

So if we muster up the courage to choose option B and move forward, how do we rise from the ashes? How do we begin again from such a broken place? It is with great insight that Coach Jack say, “It doesn’t matter whether we win or loose. What matters is that we play the game.”

He wasn’t just talking about football; he was talking about life. He was talking about getting up after we have been beaten down. He was talking about standing after we fall, about trust and healing. He had insight I’m not even sure he was fully aware of: insight only God understands and we so often miss:

It’s not about waiting for the pain to pass and THEN moving forward: moving forward in spite of the pain IS the healing process! It’s the JOURNEY, not the destination that matters most. And it’s in the process of walking that journey you rediscover the joy and adventure of living LIFE!

Do you have the courage to dare look up from the ashes of your pain? Do you have the courage to rise and walk to find healing? Whatever you grieving and painful situation, I pray you do. I pray God and His community of believers sends you a helping hand to encourage you to get back in the game.