I’m starting now because I can’t stand it any longer, Jesus.
By your Word, you say if I turn from evil, you will heal me! I need that healing, Lord.
I’m not sure what evil is in your eyes…but I’m pretty sure it feels like I’ve been feeling: void of your presence, independent without You.
And I can’t take it any longer.
I know this isn’t the personal, face to face time you deserve…but it’s in my heart. I’m at work and can’t step away with any sustained focus on you…but I know I won’t make it through this day without you.
You said on our trip to the river to let you romance me…but I haven’t even turned my head to let you do so.
I am guilty for talking about you and not to you.
I realize I think I’ve always thought I wouldn’t do what the Israelites did…but I’m wrong. I’m just like them. And I too would have ended up in the desert.
I’m guilty for playing church and going through the motions without asking for the life-giving passion of Christ to fill me directly from the One I know can give it.
I’m guilty of not waking up with “I Love you” on my lips.
I’m guilty of focusing on my disgust and problems rather than on your love.
I’m guilty of hearing your voice and not responding.
I’m guilty of hating myself. I feel so ugly inside and out….so fat and full of crap. Surely, this isn’t how I was meant to be….how I was meant to live? It’s torment.
I’m guilty of indulging in place of hungering after you…and for one who never sinned, do you know the shame I feel?
Yes, of course you do. You carried it in all it’s heaviness on the cross…even thou ugliness never came from your mouth or your hand.
Who am I, Lord to think that such an awesome God wouldn’t know?
But I can honestly say to you that it feels like you don’t know how shameful it is because I feel so far away from a perfect and holy God. IT seems it takes but a moment to find separation.
Me no likey.
I am weak, Lord. Weakened and un-driven to do what I need to do. I seem to lack the ability to change my thoughts…my actions…my life. I’m stuck. I’m weak. I can’t save myself. I have made it worse in trying to do so.
Jesus…I have tasted what it is like to wake up to you. I have tasted what it’s like to hear your voice and be in your arms.
I have lived in the love of God and operated by the love of God. And it’s so awesome!
I can’t imagine how I got HERE! Or how I ever managed or will ever manage to live without You! I DON’T want to live any longer without it!
I know this is a one-sided relationship sometimes….most of the time, actually.
As I type it…it sounds pretty horrific. How can I not live passionately for the One who gave me everything?! EVERYTHING!??
I can feel it…deep within…I was meant to be with you. It’s an imperfect romance…mainly on my part…but I need you
So here it is…here I am. In all my ugly emptiness, pleading, Lord Jesus…for more of you. Pleading for you to speak to me once again. Tell me what I have to do! I’m turning from my lonely sulking to you…in hopes that you will save me once again, from myself. I simply can’t stand to be without you. Will you forgive me? There was mercy for Israel…will there by mercy for me? Will you come in all your love and glory once again?.
Seize my heart, Jesus…that I may never turn away.
Psalms 119: 37 Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, And revive me in Your ways. 38 Establish Your word to Your servant, Who is devoted to fearing You.
39 Turn away my reproach which I dread, For Your judgments are good.
40 Behold, I long for Your precepts; Revive me in Your righteousness.
Revive me, Jesus. Revive me.
Yours Eternally,
Angela
